Why Kenji..? Why me..?

Since it being a year since my oblivious past life picked up Persona 4 for my new PS2, I decided to try out some Virtual Novels to experience a bit more Japanese culture that I sadly missed out on.

(FYI: I'm part Japanese and German on my mother's side with my great-grandfather having worked as a scientist for Hitler (he really didn't like doing so), and by the time I was socially-adept, my Japanese grandmother wasn't really able to pass anything down to me, and neither my mom or her brothers or sister had picked up any culture either.)

Anyways, ever since about this time last year, some form of boredom slowly set in, making it hard to get any school work done. It's as if suddenly my body didn't care any more and did its best to convince the rest of my parts as well. These last few weeks leading to break have been especially hard, and I've had difficulty doing anything more than looking at my notes and letting my natural brain-power drag me and my grade through the last checkpoint before the end.

At one point, I did as I said in the second line and downloaded Fate Stay/Night. It really didn't capture my fatigued fleeting interest fast enough (its dated visual style didn't help either), and I soon deleted it. Afterwards I looked around some more until I decided on Katawa Shoujo to help ease my transition into virtual novels. My first playthrough of Ch:1 made me genuinely smile and laugh, something that hasn't happened coming from a game since I played Persona 4 and 3:FES a year ago. All was well as I played the game as I would have reacted in real-life, until I accidentally click a text option regarding Emi and if I should take it easy and slow down. It made her inaccessible as a dating option, and I haven't saved in a good 45 minutes, so I decided to keep playing the way I was (I didn't know about skip mode then). Eventually that choice lead me to being a loner and having to ask out Kenji to the festival. I knew something was wrong the second this path started, yet the part where I got drunk and fall off the school roof still stunned me.


That ending hurt me. Bad. Hell, my eyes are tearing now (only Persona 3's ending made me do this). I was so mad I had to get up and walk away from the computer for at least 15 minutes while I had an intense conversation with myself. Is this really how I wanted to end up? Depressed, sad, lonely, unhealthy? FUCK NO. I went back to my desktop as calmly as I could and speed-clicked my way through at least 8 minutes of story until I learned of skip mode, and then sped through the choices and new-path text until I caught up to Emi; nearly killing my self in the process. Once again, I was able to smile ever so slightly.

This small revelation of mine didn't change much in terms of my actual life, but it did somewhat help myself understand life is fleeting and I shouldn't try to hide my pessimism behind my realist ideals.

Oh, how the sad mellow song Exile Vilify from Portal 2 I found just two years ago (was it really only two years?) has described me now. Excuse me, I must brood with Berninger and The National for awhile.

"You've got sucker's luck
Have you given up?
Does it feel like a trial?
Does it trouble your mind
The way you trouble mine?"


(Note: This was originally a post I made on The Graveyard Shift, but I decided to update it some and post it on TAY itself due to it turning out much longer than I thought it would be, and that I wanted to post something anyways.)